8 relationships for unlocking change and transformation

Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

Earlier this week, my good friend Scott Gould posted a few times on Linked In about relationships, in one he spoke about “no difficult people, just difficult relationships” and in the other a great example to illustrate and frame the perspective.  

These posts resonated with me a lot as I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on what I’ve learned over the last 15 years and more as I prepare to recalibrate for future transitions as well as more recent learning which has really grounded me in connecting to the work I love to do. I’ve pretty much the last 15 years understanding and supporting change and transformation through improving/changing/transforming the quality of relationships.

My learning and reading of the Arbinger Institute with its Outward Mindset, this very much shares a perspective that it is the quality of relationships between people that is an organisations greatest asset not its people. I’d like to expand on this and suggest that there are eight relationships that need attention to unlock change and transformation.

When I look back over the last 15 years I can break down the types of relationships that I have worked on and supported to change and transform. I’m not sure yet, if this is a complete list, but these are certainly the 8 most common areas I’ve worked on. 

One: The quality of the relationship one has with oneself

This is the development space, as space of self awareness and personal mastery and in my view the relationship which unlocks all of the rest, especially when it comes to shifting one’s mindset. I will admit this is one of my favourite areas to work and always goes alongside every other area if you want to create and sustain change and transformation.

Two: The quality of the relationships between individuals.

This is an area I really like to work, although this isn’t about counselling or therapy, It is about helping create and develop skills to have honest and productive conversations, sometimes working through extreme tension and conflict. This is also is such as transformational space to work and incredibly rewarding.

Three: The quality of the relationship between individuals and their roles.

This space has been a more recent area to work and comes from two areas, one where one helps an individual connect to the purpose of their role and sometimes working to redesign the way the work is done to ensure they are only focusing on work that adds value, as well as a space of helping to create clarity of scope and boundaries to foster autonomy and empowerment.

Four: The quality of the relationship between individuals and the technology they require to effectively perform their roles.

I did a lot of this work and learning when I worked in the IT (Enterprise Architecture) and Digital spaces and it still remains a major fascination for me. My learning is that when this is done successfully, the quality of the interactions and relationship with the technology and data creates a positive outcome and this has unlocked behaviour change as well as improved the effectiveness of the work and delivery of services.

Five: The quality of the relationship between individuals and the data they require to effectively perform their roles.

Very similar learning space to above and I felt it was important to separate out data and technology as they very much require different skills and capabilities and therefore the relationship is built specifically with data.

Six: The quality of the relationships between individuals and the physical spaces in which they need to effectively perform their roles.

This area is very interesting to me, as it is a very dynamic relationship, for example for me the relationship I have with particular spaces when needing to do elements of my role changes with the context of the work and my individual needs and preferences, I can need a creative space, a quiet space, a collaborative space, an open space and many more all in a single day…This has not always been possible when one is restricted to potentially traditional office environments but it’s a relationship that can create transformative outcomes when done right.

Seven: The quality of the relationships between teams and service areas.

Probably an area I’ve spent the most time in over the last 15 or so years and so far from the experiences I’ve had which are perhaps not universal, but this works in tandem with the relationship between individuals. The focus on developing collaboration and cross team and cross service working seems to be an ever present challenge in most large organisations.

Eight: The quality of the relationships between Organisations.

This is where the space opens up and brings together the individuals, teams, service areas etc but then adds a multi-agency layer into this space. Most of the work I’ve done here is systemic and system wide change. This is really powerful when you can feel and see movement in this space, but it can often be fragile and is often subject to the individual relationships being maintained and continually developed. It is a fascinating space to work though.

What relationships do you enjoy working on and what might be missing here?

Rediscovering connections

People gathering on a beach – Photo from https://unsplash.com/@kimsondoan

Last week, I had the pleasure of reconnecting with a wonderful person, and that person is Sarah Lay. Sarah was one of the first people I connected to outside of Devon many many years ago when I was involved in the corporate web and digital space.

The great thing about talking with Sarah was that it sparked a reconnection to those times when we first met, speaking about similar challenges, similar hopes, and similar frustrations — imagining, dreaming, wondering what could be…. those kind of conversations, reflecting back to probably 2011/2012, are what led to the wider connections and strong network of people that eventually became LocalGovDigital, a network of professional people who all shared a similar purpose and felt under-represented and misunderstood, but all wanted and needed to see public services improve and get better for people and communities.

We reflected on what occurred for each of us in the last 8 years as both of us took a step away from the LocalGovDigital space in 2016, each choosing different paths and each growing, learning, and developing who we are as people. We both found it fascinating that we are both in a similar position of wanting to seek out and find the people with the energy to disrupt, innovate, and be radical in thought and imagine a new public service landscape. 

I can see that some of the people I used to connect with have moved on, some have moved out of the sector and have taken the steps into consultancy or have joined organisations who really do understand the challenges of the sector and are not the big consultancies who are not seen as really focusing on purpose and value.

With so many platforms for connecting now, it is hard to know, where and how to find people in the same way it was 10-15 years ago. When I joined twitter in 2008, it was very easy to find people who were talking about reimaging public services, not just in the UK but globally, it wasn’t populated with millions of bots. I remember attending UKGovCamp in 2009 in London and the first LocalGovCamp in 2009 in Birmingham and those events changed the way I connected with people…The people I connected with back then were and still are some of the most influential people in my professional life and there may even be a few who I’ve never met in person but whose perspectives and views stimulate and challenge my own. 

I remember last week in the conversation with Sarah, we laughed a few times, one of the things that made me laugh was when Sarah shared the memory of being at a GovCamp event and we simply pitched for a room with the title “reflective practice”, the idea being that anyone who may have needed a quiet space or some recovery space after the pre -event food and drink could use the room to simply sit and reflect. It was well attended and I remember we invented the idea of penetration testing hashtags and were just tweeting random things…but it also sparked connections and friendships.

So coming back to now, I shared with Sarah that when I started to think about reconnecting with wider networks, my first thought was LocalGovDigitial because of the history I have with it, but somehow it didn’t feel like a space I belonged anymore, I wasn’t directly in the Digital space, more in a space of organisational change and transformation, but for me it felt like I was an imposter…I suspect that says more about me than the network, but it didn’t feel right, so I have tried over the last few years to make new connections and find spaces to find new people, but they aren’t easy to find. Or am I just missing the obvious?

I must acknowledge and thank Dave Briggs here who has helped me get some perspective on joining back into things and I respect and admire Dave a lot, he has been incredibly influential for me since back in the day, almost holding a place of “he’s famous” frame. I suspect Dave will love and hate this comment in equal measure 🙂

As I finish up this post, I caught sight of a couple of posts by Catherine Howe. Catherine is another person who has been such an influence on me, someone whose views and perspectives really challenge my thinking and I love the way Catherine leads herself and others, it is hugely inspirational. Catherine’s posts are sort of linked to my reflections, but written far more succinctly and intentional. Her post on “so long twitter” resonates so much with the reflections Sarah and I shared that it is worth a read. and her other post, “Fantasy System“, is an invitation to bring together people for something different, new and radical…

So my final reflection on where to find people is linked to Catherine’s invitation, if the spaces don’t exist, then the only response is that one has to create them with others. This is really the key learning from all those years ago – if it doesn’t exist yet, then create it and see what emerges, after all it may just be the thing that generates the spark.

Chilling out in the igloo discussing blogging

Please note, this is not the real Innovation Igloo
Instead this is a photo by Augusto Baldera on Pexels.com

Good friends Dave Briggs and Nick Hill have been hosting a fortnightly “discussion” space online and each session the topic is different.

I’ve now attended 2, the first was about Service Directories and the most recent was about Blogging.

When I looked back on my blogging history, I surprised myself to find that I started in 2008 on this blog, 100% of all the early posts were nonsense but an essential path toward building and growing confidence.

The discussion was fun and invited people who do blog to share what got them started, and for those interested, provided an opportunity to hear the mistakes and pitfalls of others as well as the benefits. So I thought I’d share a short perspective on what I currently think about blogging and why it is a good practice to take up.

Finding Your Voice and Creativity

Blogging provides a unique platform for self-expression. It serves as an open canvas on which you can paint your thoughts, ideas, and experiences. It’s an avenue where you can explore your creativity, develop your writing style, and refine your thoughts. With every post, you’re inviting people to help you refine and challenge your thinking and ideas, opening you up to new and different perspectives, and yes there is a risk of creating an echo chamber, so reflect on how you might avoid that happening.

Building Connections and Community

On a personal note, when I started blogging in 2008 I felt like I was blogging in isolation, I was certainly the only one in my organisation doing it back then, but I’m grateful now I took that risk as it opened me up to new and different people who were all connecting through a shared passion around transforming local public services and that network and community was and still is incredibly supportive and provided constructive challenge. It created a safe space, allowing me to refine my thinking and sense checking stuff before sharing internally, I remember those early days, finding myself sharing documents, ideas etc and saying person X at council y or organisation z has already shared their views on this and saying this developed credibility and validity to those early ideas. Those early days were hard though as It simply wasn’t the normal ways of doing things, sharing and working out loud, so there were occasions where people looked and responded with confusion as they had no idea what I was doing and how I was doing it…
BUT and important for connecting to those people online and through the blog as well as social media, created a community and over time that grew, matured and looking back, I can easily trace the origins and seeds of the LocalGovDigital Network in those early connections and networks. It’s great to see how relationships are what has sustained the work, not just the topic…

Personal Growth and Self-Reflection

My main motivation in 2008 and now with blogging is to compliment and support my reflection and learning, Whilst my blog hasn’t been busy over the last few years, I have a ton of week notes that I’ve created. The practice has stayed with me even if the choice of platform has shifted and continues to shift.

I experience blogging as an introspective process, that encourages self-reflection which hopefully translates into learning. As you craft a post, sometimes you can feel paralysed by the blank page in front of you, but what kept me going and what keeps me interested and curious about it is I am essentially blogging for my own benefit, I found that when I tried to write for other people, I developed barriers and and needed the post to be “perfect”. Writing for myself, feels less pressurised, even though I know on occasion someone might read it, enjoy it or challenge what I’m saying. That’s ok, as the wider engagement by people is a by product of my own commitment to make visible my reflections.

So for anyone who is reading this, embrace that blank page and just start writing!

In my words – Looking back and accepting

 

“As I sat and reflected on the discussions I’d had that day, a wave of realisation dawned on me that all the usual conditions of judgement, blame and fear were truly absent – had I freed just myself from the depression and shame or was something bigger and more profound emerging for everyone around me?”

Not the usual reflections on discussions and meetings at work but this was now becoming a frequent occurrence for which I’m going to try and explain how I got here.

In order to explain, I need to take you back a few years…

In 2016, my confidence was high, following a few years of public recognition which felt great and it was generating a buzz internally and externally. My name was reasonably known and was attracting a small amount of attention from across the country and usefully in parts of my own organisation where I’d previously been (in my view) ignored – although I suspect the reality was I was seen as a dreamer with a woolly view of the world but had some kudos about me so it opened some doors.

At this time in my development I was blissfully ignorant and unaware of the shame and depression that sat at the heart of who I was professionally and how it was driving my behaviours and actions in unproductive ways.

Then in the autumn of that year, it all started to change – my reality would start to unfold and disintegrate right in front of my eyes – this would take a further 2.5 years to fully resolve and along the way I faced some of the hardest and most difficult professional experiences and learning I’d ever been through. But all of that was the in my best interests to help me grow and develop.

What changed, well, I went for a new job, a job I’d understood would be my dream job, or at the least a step toward it.

In 2017 my view of the world around me changed significantly but alongside that I held a huge amount of judgement towards other people which I now know was because of who I was not because of what they did or didn’t do.

I was being supported to learn how to develop and support the learning and development of others and this was when I realised the limitations of this approach with the frame of mind I held.

The limitations I understood were inside me – my ability to change myself and how I saw myself and the world.

When I saw myself, my inner self for the first time staring back at me, I’m not sure I knew what else to do other than to acknowledge and accept who I really was.

I was someone who inside was insecure, scared to get things wrong, advocating only my position and believing other people were wrong. I was judgmental and had no compassion for others. On the outside, well that didn’t matter anymore, it had been shattered by the reality facing me, although no one would have really noticed.

Now before you ask I was still maintaining an exterior of happiness and a general sense of being ok to a wide variety of people but to the people I worked with who without there support and emotional safety I would never had been able to work this through to conclusion.

In the spring of 2018 I found myself drawn to the work of Dr Brene Brown – I’d been aware of her Ted Talk on vulnerability for some time but was actually too scared to watch it for what it might make me face up to. However my sense of who I was had changed and it no longer mattered how I would feel – I really needed to connect to it and when I did – wow, simply WOW…

I remember I was working from home and I can honestly say I wept for about 45 minutes as I experienced a release of emotions one after the other, like a set of waves crashing on a beach…

I followed that up by quickly googling Dr Brown and searching for anything else I could read, watch or listen to. I found her books and discovered that she had an audiobook called The Power of Vulnerability.

I had a credit on audible so downloaded it straight away – 6 hours of…. wow…wave of emotions…more wow…some shame…sense of reality…truth…deep sighs and a release of emotion again. I’d recommend it but I’ll be honest it can be a hard thing to hear if you are open to hearing what she says.

From that moment I found my path and my journey deepened and I got more and more meaning and a sense of purpose.

I listened to this audiobook about 10 times in a row as every time I listened I heard something new – I shared some of my learning and insights in the team and others connected to her work which after a while allowed some group discussion and reflections – these really helped as I was finding it challenging unpacking the learning on my own.

This audiobook was followed by six more from Dr Brown and then more recently the audiobook and physical book of Dare to Lead (highly recommended)

I have written already on this blog about my learning from Dr Brown so won’t repeat it here but do check out the other posts if you are interested.

• Understanding and working with Shame
• Learning, leadership, being vulnerable and developing shame resilience
• Development and Growth – A perspective on vulnerability
• Depression and Shame – The simple yet unconscious patterns that feed and develop an unhealthy mind.

In addition to the books by Dr Brown other significant books I’ve read or listened to which have helped me in this area of development are:

• Immunity to Change – Robert Kegan / Lisa Laskow Lahey
• The Path – Christine Gross-Loh
• The Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu
• The wisdom of Sunday’s – Oprah Winfrey
• What I know for sure – Oprah Winfrey
• The untethered soul – Michael A Singer
• The Awakened Family – Dr Shefali Tsabary
• The New Earth – Eckhart Tolle
• The book of forgiving – Archbishop Desmond Tutu
• Reboot – Jerry Colonna
• Leading from purpose – Nick Craig
• Start with why – Simon Sinek

During 2018 our teams external support changed and I had not anticipated the impact this would have on my development – initially it was a backward step but somewhere inside I refused to go back and something had to give – after many months (9 to be exact) 3 of which were filled with a hidden depression – I finally let go…free from the constraints of my previous way of thinking. Most of this journey is covered in the posts about shame as I had realised this was a period of time where I struggled the most with it.

Time passed and I felt myself healing. Short moments of realisation would occur but never long enough to maintain a sense of peace…but that changed too

In late spring 2019 I had a number of insightful and open hearted discussions and meetings – one of which was with a colleague and a senior manager in a meeting which was full of emotions, reconnection and forgiveness. As we do with all meetings we debriefed what happened and as I sat and reflected on the discussions I’d had that day, a wave of realisation dawned on me that all the usual conditions of judgement, blame and fear were truly absent – had I freed just myself from the depression and shame or was something bigger and more profound emerging for everyone around me? It occurred to me that a shift was happening in a wider group of people and this was really the start of a journey to truly and deeply transform the way we think, act and work with each other to deliver and provide public services.

The specific reflection relating to my realisation of letting go is summarised in a recent post titled A Choice. Again if interested check it out.

So I come to now, or more accurately Autumn 2019 and as I write this and look back on the most incredible personal journey I’ve experienced to date. I sit here peaceful, grounded and connected to my deeper self.

I’m continually learning how to develop practice that holds and sustains that peace throughout the whole day and in time I’m sure that will arrive but until then I see people as people, through a kindness and generosity that anchors me to a non judgmental state of mind.

I’ve pondered what the greatest lesson I’ve received though all of this is actually is?

Well…after much thought this is what I have learnt.

What I’ve found was always there. It wasn’t waiting to be found or discovered…..it was simply waiting, waiting to be accepted.

A Choice

Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.
Roy T. Bennett

I make choices every moment of every day and whilst that seems obvious I hadn’t appreciated that the choices I make contribute directly to my overall life and well being.

I’ve recently learnt so much about what it means to make a choice, not just the usual choices I make but a more profound choice that has fundamentally changed my life.

The opportunity to even make this choice only became visible as a byproduct of seeking to understand something else. I spent some time searching, reading, listening and sitting in silence.

I found the choice right in front of me whilst I was digging into how I understood what was missing or lacking from my life that made me feel 1) psychologically safe when in group situations 2) my own awareness and mindfulness state and 3) how my personal values shaped and influenced me.

This searching was triggered from a series of events and part of that story was shared in my last post on depression and shame here.

In reality the choice was made visible because of the work and discipline I’ve been exploring and developing around my personal awareness and many of the stories relating to this have been shared already – examples include;

This one – Understanding and working with shame

This one – Learning, leadership, being vulnerable and developing shame resilience

This one – The benefits of Practice and Discipline – reflections on 5 key practices

And this one Development and Growth – A perspective on vulnerability

Psychological Safety:

I learnt that there were two domains of my psychological safety that were not being met, these were;

Autonomy – the sense one has choice

Trust – the need for belonging

I’ll come back to these later as they play quite a big part in my choice.

Personal Practice:

In relation to my personal awareness practice, I had unintentionally stopped some of my practices as I mistakenly assumed some of my work practice learning was a replacement for those practices.

I’ve now know that those practices help me maintain a healthy state of awareness and mindfulness and my practices from work benefit from time having discipline here.

Values:

Significantly I discovered that my view of my personal values and how unintentionally placing them in a logical order actually created a barrier for my development.

After much work following the section on personal values in the Dare to Lead workbook I know my values are Love and Loyalty. However for some reason I referred to them in the reverse order and in consistently doing so, I created a priority ordering which created a bit of a false loop in my head. I literally took them in an order…

I learnt that I was prioritising loyalty to others over myself and love for others over myself.

This realisation prompted by hearing for probably the I’m 20th time, the wonderful Brene Brown state that “your ability to love someone else can not exceed your ability to love yourself” helped me to start a process of letting go.

This brings me back to autonomy and trust.

In my moment of clarity I realised that outside of group contexts I had the conscious awareness to create autonomy for myself and make the biggest choice of all – to let go of being controlled by the variety of thoughts that flow through my mind. I now see those thoughts simply as a set of tapes and stories which I now know hold no power over who I am but for so long held me captive to shame.

I’m not saying I’m permanently free although my awareness is at a place where I am consciously and consistently aware of what triggers me and I’m now able to hold space for myself. It’s new so I’m expecting some challenges in maintaining this but it’s all of incredibly powerful learning.

I also realised that in relation to trust I placed too much emphasis on other people satisfying that need and desire and was too focused on external factors which created a level of dependency which was and is unsustainable and counter to personal growth – I now know that true belonging comes from within.

I could try and sum it up but Maya Angelou says it best

“You only are free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”
It hasn’t been an easy path to take…and it’s a path I had to find myself.

But I now know it was worth it.

Finally I want to acknowledge a selection of books or audiobooks which have helped guide me – all of which have in some way played a part in helping me unlock this choice. This is not a comprehensive list…

A New Earth is by Eckart Tolle

Play by Stuart Brown

Dare to Lead, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Power of Vulnerability, Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Untethered Soul, The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer

Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan / Lisa Laskow Lahey

The Path by Michael Puett / Christine Gross-Loh

Awareness by Anthony De Mello

What I know for sure, Super Soul Conversations, The Wisdom of Sunday’s by Oprah Winfrey

Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

You’re It by Alan Watts

The Holy Man by Susan Trott

How to see yourself as you really are by the Dalai Lama

I also want to acknowledge the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy and the important role it has played in helping me develop my understanding.